Breaking News Bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong’s Chief Executive has warned that the non-violent pro-democracy ‘Occupy Central’ proposal may trigger the annihilation of mankind if it is allowed to take place.
At a press conference this morning, CY Leung said that mass riots and looting would be followed by Hong Kong’s very own PLA-sponsored ‘Tiananmen’ re-enactment in the run-up to the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, whom he knows personally.
Should the planned demonstration take place, officials say that citizens will abandon all pretence of law and order and be transformed into baby-eating, fire-starting, pillaging savages hell-bent on decimating Hong Kong’s harmonious society whilst crushing all hope for the future.
Urging Hong Kongers to act “in accordance with the relevant passages of the Basic Law“, Leung warned that the apocalypse could have a long-term effect on the local stock market and property values. The End of Times may also cause traffic disruption and damage Hong Kong’s reputation abroad.
As Hong Kong issued a ‘black travel warning’ against itself, Beijing has not ruled out releasing SARS-ridden tank-driving zombies to ‘scoop up’ pro-democracy activists. Meanwhile, members of the pro-Beijing, outspoken ‘Silent Majority’ minority were last seen barricading themselves into Sheung Wan’s China Liaison Office with six crates of Cup Noodles and baby milk maniacally hollering “told you so” at bewildered passers-by.
Breaking news bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard (it’s satire, morons)…
- China Apologises Unreservedly to Tiananmen Victims; Offers Compensation.
- Colgate to Relaunch Racist Toothpaste ‘Darkie’.
- CY Launches Anti-Corruption Agency to Monitor Anti-Corruption Agency.
- Eddie Snowden ‘Dreadful to Live With’ says Relieved Safehouse Flatmate.
- Giant Duck Contracts Lung Cancer in Harbour; has Existential Crisis.
- HK Gov’t to Adapt Tsim Sha Tsui to Mainland Tourist Influx.
- Hong Kong Announces Bid for 2022 Winter Olympics Amidst Cold Snap.
- New Harbour Crossing as Island & Kowloon To Be Linked by Cable Car.
- Philippines Demands Formal Apology and Compensation from Beijing.
- Robotic CY Leung Recharge Pod Sessions to Increase.
- The Standard vs. The Sub-Standard: Battle of the Logos.
- Update: Giant Duck Finally Succumbs to Lung Cancer.