Blood Umbrella :  A film ten years in the making


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By Hong Kong Hermit.

Hong Kong cinema isn’t dead. It was merely resting. As you may have seen reported on Friday, this year’s biggest blockbuster is getting ready to film, and only I, the Hong Kong Hermit, have been privileged enough to be shown an advance copy of the script. I’m here to tell you folks, this film is red hot. Well, it’s certainly red. Does it have action, adventure, a deep and sensitive exploration of the human condition? No, it has so much more than that.

Brought to you by Liaison Office Film Productions, and the Justice Alliance, I give you Blood Umbrella.

blood umbrella poster

“A lighthearted romp for the whole family” — CY Leung

Blood Umbrella — Based upon true events OF THE FUTURE

 Ext. — Kowloon Express Rail Link Blue Ribbon Internment Camp — Evening

Our hero MARY SIU enters the scene. Her clothes are tattered, her face is dirty, but her eyes carry the steely resolve that only confidence in the righteousness of a one-party Socialist state can convey.

She walks past a group of vile members of the democratic ruling class. They are standing around laughing about their clean air and wide selection of uncensored internet websites. A brave PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN timidly approaches the group, and addresses an EVIL DEMOCRACY LOVING YELLOW RIBBON.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Please, I need food, food for my babies. Won’t you please give me something for them?

EVIL DEMOCRACY LOVING YELLOW RIBBON:

Are you registered to vote in the free and open elections citizen?

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Well… no, I mean none of the candidates are pre-approved by Beij… OW!

A whip lashes out, leaving a deep weal on the woman’s skin. She clutches her hand to her face while the Yellow Ribbon laughs maniacally with his evil freedom loving friends.

EVIL DEMOCRACY LOVING YELLOW RIBBON:

Get out of my sight you Communist puppet. Don’t come back around here until you’re ready for self-determination and freedom.

Freedom. The word alone hurts more than the sting of the whip. She staggers away, looking at the blood in her hand.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Red. Red like the flag of our true mother country, of which Hong Kong has always been a part. I may go hungry for food today, but my real hunger is for Justice and True Socialism under the leadership of Xi Jinping (praise his name) and I shall not forsake Him.

Mary Siu walks over to her, and offers a handkerchief.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Thank you… wait, this faded emblem in the corner… Regina Ip 2017… oh my Xi, are you with the Patriotic Resistance Against True Suffrage group?

Her eyes are wide, filled with a sense of hope not felt in many years under this cruel regime.

MARY SIU:

Yes, I am one of the PRATS, and I’m here to SAVE HONG KONG from this terrible and incredibly unlikely state of affairs.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Oh my heart is as joyous as a grey smoggy morning in Beijing, where the sun only refuses to shine lest it dare challenge the radiance of our Glorious and Beatific Leader, whose Kindness and Magnificence are a Shining Example of Love and Kindness…

[Editor’s note: we don’t have bandwidth to host this entire soliloquy, skip forward to page 25]

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…finally we can see a removal of this dagger that has stabbed at the Heart of Socialism.

MARY SIU:

(muttered) First you steal our money Leticia, now you try to steal our film.

letitia lee

Letitia Lee. File Photo: Apple Daily.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Sorry?

MARY SIU:

Oh, nothing. Now, we have much work to do. We must move quickly to get to our secret base away from the roving gangs of armed thugs, suffragists, umbrella holders, book readers, zombies, werewolves, pun-users, giant death robots, swarms of killer bees, sharks with legs, erotic banana eaters, and all the many many other unfathomably nonsensical horrors that democracy unleashed upon the city after the overthrow of the totally legitimate government that the silent majority loved more than their very own families.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

Who could have predicted all those years ago that these things would happen, really actually happen, and that they weren’t just the deranged ramblings of a group of mad people?

The Justice Alliance Party at the Department of Justice.

File Photo: Facebook via Justice Alliance.

MARY SIU:

Possibly only the Justice Alliance. If only people had listened to those brave and noble and patriotic heroes when they had the chance, then all of this could have been prevented.

(Long look to camera)

The clouds part, and the full moon shines down upon the city. Upon its surface, the words DEATH TO THE CCP have been etched in letters 200 miles long.

MARY SIU:

To think, those damn dirty democracy apes sold all of Hong Kong’s harbour water to pay for that giant laser to carve that blasphemous slogan.

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

That seemed like such an unlikely, highly improbable, and frankly scientifically impossible thing to happen ten years ago.

MARY SIU:

Yes, I know.

(Long look to camera)

PATRIOTIC SOCIALIST CITIZEN:

But it’s a real thing that really happened, and all because nobody listened to the prescient and clear-sighted warnings from the Justice Alliance.

(Long look to camera. Somewhere, a wolf howls.)

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[Editor’s note: the next ten pages are written in purple crayon, and appear to be the words “kill me” repeated endlessly. From the damp suspicious stain on the eleventh page, it appears someone may have granted this poor soul their wish.]

Kill me.

Kill me.

Kill me.