Category Archives : Humour

“NEWS” – China Apologises Unreservedly to Tiananmen Victims; Offers Compensation 14

Sub-Standard satire

It’s satire, morons.

Breaking ‘News’ bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the Communist Party, Chinese premier Xi Jinping has apologised unreservedly for his party’s brutal massacre of peaceful protesters 25 years ago today. Admitting that transparency and full accountability for the Party’s wrongdoings were long overdue, he promised to set up a 50 million renminbi ‘Tiananmen Victims Fund’ to fully compensate survivors and families of the dead. A full inquiry will be held with dozens of political prisoners – some held for over two decades – set to be released with immediate effect.

After a quarter of a century, Xi claimed that it was time China’s leaders faced up to the bloody history it had spent years trying to suppress and re-write. He said that it was time for reconciliation and an opportunity for the Chinese leadership to win some legitimacy and respect on the world stage. Xi vindicated the students, workers and intellectuals who filled Tiananmen Square on June 4th, 1989, declaring that their actions spurred China’s ‘economic miracle’, as it encouraged government to move away from trying to control its populace and instead focus on building an economically open and prosperous society.

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Xi stands beside a replica of the ‘Goddess of Democracy’, originally erected by Tiananmen protesters in 1989.

‘NEWS’ – CY Leung Warns ‘Occupy’ Protest May Trigger the Apocalypse

It's satire, moronsBreaking News Bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong’s Chief Executive has warned that the non-violent pro-democracy ‘Occupy Central’ proposal may trigger the annihilation of mankind if it is allowed to take place.

At a press conference this morning, CY Leung said that mass riots and looting would be followed by Hong Kong’s very own PLA-sponsored ‘Tiananmen’ re-enactment in the run-up to the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, whom he knows personally.

Hong Kong apocalypse

A press handout showing Hong Kong, one week after ‘Occupy Central’ takes place.

Should the planned demonstration take place, officials say that citizens will abandon all pretence of law and order and be transformed into baby-eating, fire-starting, pillaging savages hell-bent on decimating Hong Kong’s harmonious society whilst crushing all hope for the future.

Urging Hong Kongers to act “in accordance with the relevant passages of the Basic Law“, Leung warned that the apocalypse could have a long-term effect on the local stock market and property values. The End of Times may also cause traffic disruption and damage Hong Kong’s reputation abroad.

‘NEWS’ – HK Gov’t to Adapt Tsim Sha Tsui to Mainland Tourist Influx 5

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung announced this morning that key areas of Tsim Sha Tsui will be redeveloped to cope with the influx of mainland tourists. A government spokesperson said that modifications began overnight as rows of portable ’emergency use’ toilets were installed along Hankow Road…

Amidst rising tensions with local residents, the MTR Corporation responded to popular demand and announced that it will introduce ‘loud carriages’ on key lines…

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Nominated stations will also feature a ‘Time Out Chair’ for both overly-rambunctious tourists and intolerant locals who heckle them…

BLOG – Top Ten Weirdest Hong Kong Laws 10

 1) Shouting or swearing in Ocean Park can land you a month in prison.

Hong Kong bylaws state that a visitor to Ocean Park may not use “obscene language”, “fly a kite”, use shoes “fitted with wheels” or “shout”. Lest they’ll find themselves spending a month in Shek Pik Prison (or, more likely, a fine).

2) The government may only allow transgender people to marry if they sever and rebuild their genitals.

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An amendment drafted by the Security Bureau is set to “write into law the government policy of recognising transgender people only after the removal of their genitals and construction of new ones”, according to the SCMP. Not all transgender people wish to undergo surgery that may leave them unable to bear children.

‘NEWS’ – Hong Kong Announces Bid for 2022 Winter Olympics Amidst Cold Snap 3

More from the Sub-StandardBreaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong leader CY Leung has announced that the city will make a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympic Games. At a press conference this morning, he told reporters, “Wanchai is colder than Sochi right now and we’ve got money to burn so fuck it – we’ll apply.

Developers around the city are already bidding to transform Hong Kong’s infrastructure as the sub-tropical city competes against bids from Poland, Norway, Ukraine and Beijing. Tourism chief James Tien Pei-chu expects to attract up to 10 million extra visitors during the games, claiming that residents are “pleading to welcome more tourists.”

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Construction companies have been invited to submit proposals to redevelop the Peak Tram as a year-round ski slope…