Category Archives : Humour

‘NEWS’ – CY Leung Warns ‘Occupy’ Protest May Trigger the Apocalypse

It's satire, moronsBreaking News Bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong’s Chief Executive has warned that the non-violent pro-democracy ‘Occupy Central’ proposal may trigger the annihilation of mankind if it is allowed to take place.

At a press conference this morning, CY Leung said that mass riots and looting would be followed by Hong Kong’s very own PLA-sponsored ‘Tiananmen’ re-enactment in the run-up to the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, whom he knows personally.

Hong Kong apocalypse

A press handout showing Hong Kong, one week after ‘Occupy Central’ takes place.

Should the planned demonstration take place, officials say that citizens will abandon all pretence of law and order and be transformed into baby-eating, fire-starting, pillaging savages hell-bent on decimating Hong Kong’s harmonious society whilst crushing all hope for the future.

Urging Hong Kongers to act “in accordance with the relevant passages of the Basic Law“, Leung warned that the apocalypse could have a long-term effect on the local stock market and property values. The End of Times may also cause traffic disruption and damage Hong Kong’s reputation abroad.

‘NEWS’ – HK Gov’t to Adapt Tsim Sha Tsui to Mainland Tourist Influx 5

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung announced this morning that key areas of Tsim Sha Tsui will be redeveloped to cope with the influx of mainland tourists. A government spokesperson said that modifications began overnight as rows of portable ’emergency use’ toilets were installed along Hankow Road…

Amidst rising tensions with local residents, the MTR Corporation responded to popular demand and announced that it will introduce ‘loud carriages’ on key lines…

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Nominated stations will also feature a ‘Time Out Chair’ for both overly-rambunctious tourists and intolerant locals who heckle them…

BLOG – Top Ten Weirdest Hong Kong Laws 10

 1) Shouting or swearing in Ocean Park can land you a month in prison.

Hong Kong bylaws state that a visitor to Ocean Park may not use “obscene language”, “fly a kite”, use shoes “fitted with wheels” or “shout”. Lest they’ll find themselves spending a month in Shek Pik Prison (or, more likely, a fine).

2) The government may only allow transgender people to marry if they sever and rebuild their genitals.

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An amendment drafted by the Security Bureau is set to “write into law the government policy of recognising transgender people only after the removal of their genitals and construction of new ones”, according to the SCMP. Not all transgender people wish to undergo surgery that may leave them unable to bear children.

‘NEWS’ – Hong Kong Announces Bid for 2022 Winter Olympics Amidst Cold Snap 3

More from the Sub-StandardBreaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong leader CY Leung has announced that the city will make a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympic Games. At a press conference this morning, he told reporters, “Wanchai is colder than Sochi right now and we’ve got money to burn so fuck it – we’ll apply.

Developers around the city are already bidding to transform Hong Kong’s infrastructure as the sub-tropical city competes against bids from Poland, Norway, Ukraine and Beijing. Tourism chief James Tien Pei-chu expects to attract up to 10 million extra visitors during the games, claiming that residents are “pleading to welcome more tourists.”

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Construction companies have been invited to submit proposals to redevelop the Peak Tram as a year-round ski slope…

‘NEWS’ – Philippines Demands Formal Apology & Compensation From Beijing 13

eycwfAr.png (258×73)Breaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Relatives of Rizalina Bunyi, a Filipino killed in Monday’s ‘terror attack’ at Tiananmen Square, have demanded an official apology and compensation from Beijing. Protesters in Manila also called for a full apology from Premier Xi Jinping whilst insisting their own government ‘send Chinese workers home’.

Angry protests in Manila this week...

Communist Party officials responded today stating that the incident was isolated and instigated by lone wolves. Acting Beijing Mayor, Wang Anshun, maintained that the threats of economic sanctions amounted to ‘bullying’ and that “it would be unusual, inappropriate and absurd for the Chinese Premier to kowtow to the Filipino people over a freak episode.”

Philippines president, Benigno Aquino, hoisted a ‘black travel alert’ advising citizens to avoid all parts of China. “Our people will never forget October 28th, 2013. China’s government must tell the truth and take responsibility for the security lapse and professional failures of the Honour Guards,” he told reporters.

BLOG – Shit Jackie Chan Says 2

As previously highlighted, Hong Kong’s ‘cultural ambassador’ seems to have it in for his home city. Recently, Jackie’s only martial arts trick appears to involve jamming his foot firmly into his mouth… Below, we showcase some of his most facepalm-inducing gems, kicking off with his thoughts on the Taiwanese election process…

BLOG – Guide to Hong Kong’s Beaches 5

A mildly amusing and possibly offensive overview of HK’s beach scene…

Hong Kong Beaches

BLOG – Kill It With Fire: HK’s Top 5 Most Dreadful Creepy Crawlies 17

HK has at least 6,784 insect species recorded thus far, most of which are fairly benevolent. However, some are less friendly. Below is a horrifying collection of five of HK’s most dread-inducing creepy crawlies…

Nephila Pilipes Golden Golden orb-weaver  – also known as giant wood spiders or banana spiders, they feature a leg span of up to 20cm and often prey on snakes or small birds. They are one of the biggest spiders in the world and, if you fancy a visit to the lovely Lantau Silvermine waterfalls, expect to be absolutely surrounded by gaggles of these nightmarish arachnids. HK’s ‘Jumanji Island’, Tung Ping Chau, is also teeming with the bastards, ready to devour your first-born child…

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Belostomatidae Kirkaldyia deyrolli – also known as giant water bugs or colloquially as toe-biters, electric-light bugs or Alligator Ticks. A popular delicacy in Thailand, Entomological Science journal notes that the water bugs are happy to attack moving prey such as snakes and turtles…