Category Archives : Humour

BLOG – How to Use Social Networking in Hong Kong 25

With some of the highest social networking and smartphone usage in the world, it is important foreigners learn how to use social media correctly when relocating to Hong Kong…

Upon arriving in the city, be sure to change your Facebook Timeline picture to the skyline. Maintain this throughout your introductory 6-month FOB / FNG status…

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Before each meal, ensure you document your food before tucking in. Instantly alert 500 old primary school friends, ex-boyfriends, gran and that random-dude-you-met-once-at-a-party to your Coco Pops or the love heart design on top of your Holly Brown cappuccino…

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Victory signs outside of designer stores, amusing license plates and timely screenshots of your phone’s weather app are mandatory on all social media platforms. Impress your friends in Kent with how badass your new home is by reporting meticulously on incoming typhoon warning signals. And hashtagging each word is compulsory – #even #on #Facebook.

‘NEWS’ – Robotic CY Leung Recharge Pod Sessions to Increase 5

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following Hong Kong’s annual pro-democracy protests, Chinese premier Xi Xinping has announced that HK Chief Executive CY Leung’s weekly ‘alcove regeneration sessions’ will now be take place daily. Previously, Leung had received direct instructions from Beijing every Friday evening during hour-long ‘download’ stints in his CCP recharge pod. After each download is complete, Leung is able to retake human form and pander to the mainland for another 7 days…

Leung directly connected to the CCP by fibre-optic cables last week, via SCMP

‘NEWS’ – Eddie Snowden ‘Dreadful to Live With’ says Relieved Safehouse Flatmate 8

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: A local who offered secure accommodation to US whistleblower Edward Snowden expressed relief at his departure from the territory yesterday. “Eddie had been in our maid room for 3 weeks, I don’t know if he had cabin fever or something but he was really starting to do my head in”, said Snowden’s housemate known only as Mr Chen.

Snowden made a series of revelations this month regarding a top secret US spying programme codenamed Prism. Chen advertised his spare room on Craigslist but immediately regretted shacking up with Snowden… “He rarely cleaned up, was constantly online, often blared European trance music and I think he must’ve taken the bins out, like, what? Twice?

Chen, a tax auditor residing in Western district, also resented having to respond to Snowden’s increasingly bizarre demands. “After a server at the 7/11 downstairs recognised him from his viral vid, Eddie had me bring up food and drink, porn, tons of tin foil, cat6 Ethernet cabling, Spanish phrasebooks and copious amounts of Pocky. This guy was obsessed with Pocky.”

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‘NEWS’ – CY Launches Anti-Corruption Agency to Monitor Anti-Corruption Agency 3

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Chief Executive CY Leung has announced that a new anti-corruption agency will be formed to oversee Hong Kong’s anti-corruption agency. The ICACICAC (Independent Commission Against Corruption of the Independent Commission Against Corruption) will begin work as police probe the former-commissioner of the original ICAC for corrupt practices.

Timothy Tong is being investigated after LEGCO papers revealed that he had spent HK$154,000 on gifts to mainland officials, HK$757,921 on duty visits and – in one instance – ran a bill of HK$77,100 for two 5-star dinners at the Grand Hyatt.

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Timothy Tong: “This is awkward”, via SCMP

The new agency was originally set to be called the Corruption Liaison & Investigative Team Observing the Review of Improper
Standards. Security chief, Lai Tung-Kwok, announced last week that it would be scrapped as, “Unfortunately, we realised the acronym worked out as ‘CLITORIS’.” 

‘NEWS’ – Colgate to Relaunch Darkie ‘Racist’ Toothpaste 10

eycwfAr.png (258×73)News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Colgate-Palmolive are relaunching their Darlie brand of toothpaste next month under its original name, ‘Darkie’. A spokesperson for the company stated that “With Obama as president, we now live in a post-racial society… Besides, it is not possible for Hong Kong people to be racist, as China never had slavery.”

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We invited life-long black person and HK resident Malik DeAndre to try Darkie Whitening Toothpaste for one week. When asked whether the brand was ‘a bit racist’, he stated that Everyone’s a little bit racist, but when I use Darkie Whitening, it’s like I’m brushing away all those years of oppression and institutionalised discrimination.”

‘NEWS’ – Update: Giant Duck Finally Succumbs to Lung Cancer 11

eycwfAr.png (258×73)Update from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following last week’s exclusive report on the health of the Giant Rubber Duck in Victoria Harbour, the inflatable pontoon has finally succumbed to HK’s pollution and met its grizzly demise. Caution: Hong Kongers may find the following images upsetting…

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Paramedics were on site equipped with puncture repairs kits, however, they were unable to revive the plastic plaything. The city has declared three days of mourning…

‘NEWS’ – Giant Duck Contracts Lung Cancer in Harbour; has Existential Crisis. 7

X6cD0ya.jpg (223×89)News from The Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: After just a week sat in HK’s Victoria Harbour, the Giant Rubber Duck has been diagnosed with ‘a cute respiratory infection’. Communicating with onlookers by using one-quack-for-yes and two-quacks-for-no, the oversized static bath toy confessed that he was ‘lonely’ and regrets never having ducklings.

Having suddenly grasped his own mortality and realised the futility of life, meaningless of existence and vastness of the universe, the orange-beaked pontoon spiralled into an existential depression earlier this week. Last night, the duck was heard cursing and muttering repeatedly, ‘Oh my God. Bathtubs are just inverted boats’…

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En route back from hospital this morning. via ‘WilliamBanzai7/Colonel Flick’ on Flickr

It is unlikely the 16.5m tall yellow sculpture will find a mate any time soon. The only comparable inflatable novelty within miles of the bath-time favourite is a large air-filled cockroach, currently residing at West Kowloon Cultural District. Reports suggest that said roach is ‘not interested’ and it denied rumours of involvement with a nearby roast pig.

‘NEWS’ – New Harbour Crossing as Island & Kowloon To Be Linked by Cable Car 10

X6cD0ya.jpg (223×89)News from The Sub-Standard: For the first time since the opening of the Western Harbour Crossing in 1997, Hong Kongers are soon to have another option when crossing the city’s iconic waterfront. The city’s two tallest skyscrapers – the International Finance Centre II (IFC2) on Hong Kong Island and the International Commerce Centre (ICC) in Kowloon are set to be linked by gondola cable car…

Due for completion in late 2014, ‘Harbourlink’ is the city’s latest infrastructure project. It will see the Sky 100 observation deck at the ICC connected to the 88th floor of the IFC, which is currently home to the Hong Kong Monetary Authority.

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Co-operation between the two high-rise properties has been expedited, as both developments are owned by Sun Hung Kai Properties. Heidi Ho, a spokesperson for the company, said that HarbourLink will have practical and aesthetic appeal, “A cable car system allows us to compete with Ngong Ping 360 as well as offer a valuable public service and tourist attraction. Plus, we can decorate the gondolas like fairy lights during the fireworks – imagine how pretty that will be.”

BLOG – ‘Gweilo Moments’ Song by RTHK’s Steve James 9

A song about the SAR’s ex-patriots by RTHK Radio 3’s Steve James

Gweilo moments, silly situations,
Gweilo moments, all those small frustrations.
You’re standing in line, the bus is on time and you started boarding,
Someone jumps the queue and that when you start throwing a wobbly.
Gweilo moments, a blood-boiling-type tantrum,
Gweilo moments, usually no good reason.

Can’t get in the lift, I can’t quite make it but the guy sees me running,
I don’t stand a chance, he’s avoiding my glance as the lift doors are closing.
Gweilo moments, self-induced frustration,
Gweilo moments, tsz seen reputation.
Time after time, I’m all on my own,
Gweilo moments, a pointless moan.