Archive for the ‘Man of Letters’ Category

• MAN OF LETTERS – A Letter to Ocean Park

  Date: 2012.05.30 | Category: Man of Letters | Response: 2

  The following letter to Ocean Park was penned shortly after a visit in 2009…

  

  Dear Mr Zeman,

  On the morning of Saturday March 14th I bestowed my presence upon your fine aquatically themed leisure park and was surprised to discover that you apparently enforce a strict dress code. Indeed, had I have known that your establishment required a certain impractical distinction to its guest’s attire whilst wolfing down candy floss, fraternising with sea mammals and tackling the ‘Abyss Turbo Drop’; I may have reconsidered donning a bright yellow chicken costume. However, one failed to recognise any such clothing directive in your small print.

  Whilst admiring your charming flurry of flamingos near the entrance, I was accosted by a staffer who offered me tickets to return at another time, sans rooster outfit. Upon challenging this audacious offer, I was informed that certain fellow visitors could potentially mistake me for an employee. I delicately reassured the over-zealous worker that should an unlikely misinterpretation occur, I would graciously elucidate that my appearance as a giant six-foot-white-boy-chicken was solely for my own exclusive enjoyment, and that any enjoyment experienced by third-parties was purely coincidental.

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• MAN OF LETTERS – A Letter to American Express, Hong Kong

  Date: 2012.05.29 | Category: Man of Letters | Response: 0

  American Express are rewarding their customers for supporting small business by handing out Starbucks coupons! Such selfless instances of community outreach always move me to reach for my parchment and quill…

  Dear Ms Yeow,

  I am just in the process of reassembling my ever-unreliable Irony Meter after it exploded upon receipt of your recent communiqué regarding small business. (Ironically, the box said ‘Built Specifically to Withstand Corporate Cluelessness’). 

  Nevertheless, I am pleased to accept a coupon that I shall lovingly squander at my grassroots, local, independent Starbucks branch, which I note is struggling by on a meagre revenue of US$10.71 billion. I hope my HK$3 upgrade will not dent their NASDAQ stock, lest their 149,000 employees be out of work.

  Might I also clarify as to whether the coupon is valid at all 19,555 worldwide branches or just the 100+ Hong Kong locations? Does it include the Hollywood Rd outlet which recently replaced an independent restaurant, as well as the Central branch which is mocked up to resemble an old Mama-and-Poppa’s tea shop?

  Finally, how literally should I take AMEX’s advice to support small business? As suggested, I’ve been frequenting some adorable sole-traders but they seem to demand some kind of archaic tangible form of currency! And retailers who accept cards do not take AMEX, complaining of ‘inflated merchant fees’ for the card. I even tried paying my elderly lychee hawker with the Starbucks coupon but she started chasing me with a large stick.

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