Category Archives : The Sub-Standard

“NEWS” – China Apologises Unreservedly to Tiananmen Victims; Offers Compensation 14

Sub-Standard satire

It’s satire, morons.

Breaking ‘News’ bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the Communist Party, Chinese premier Xi Jinping has apologised unreservedly for his party’s brutal massacre of peaceful protesters 25 years ago today. Admitting that transparency and full accountability for the Party’s wrongdoings were long overdue, he promised to set up a 50 million renminbi ‘Tiananmen Victims Fund’ to fully compensate survivors and families of the dead. A full inquiry will be held with dozens of political prisoners – some held for over two decades – set to be released with immediate effect.

After a quarter of a century, Xi claimed that it was time China’s leaders faced up to the bloody history it had spent years trying to suppress and re-write. He said that it was time for reconciliation and an opportunity for the Chinese leadership to win some legitimacy and respect on the world stage. Xi vindicated the students, workers and intellectuals who filled Tiananmen Square on June 4th, 1989, declaring that their actions spurred China’s ‘economic miracle’, as it encouraged government to move away from trying to control its populace and instead focus on building an economically open and prosperous society.

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Xi stands beside a replica of the ‘Goddess of Democracy’, originally erected by Tiananmen protesters in 1989.

“NEWS” – New Hong Kong Racial Harmony Worksheet Emerges 10

It's satire, morons

It’s satire, morons

Breaking News Bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: The Sub-Standard has obtained a sample of another Hong Kong government approved worksheet. The multicultural studies task below comes hours after a picture of a questionable primary 4 ‘racial harmony’ activity went viral amongst local netizens.

Racist worksheet parody

‘NEWS’ – CY Leung Warns ‘Occupy’ Protest May Trigger the Apocalypse

It's satire, moronsBreaking News Bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong’s Chief Executive has warned that the non-violent pro-democracy ‘Occupy Central’ proposal may trigger the annihilation of mankind if it is allowed to take place.

At a press conference this morning, CY Leung said that mass riots and looting would be followed by Hong Kong’s very own PLA-sponsored ‘Tiananmen’ re-enactment in the run-up to the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, whom he knows personally.

Hong Kong apocalypse

A press handout showing Hong Kong, one week after ‘Occupy Central’ takes place.

Should the planned demonstration take place, officials say that citizens will abandon all pretence of law and order and be transformed into baby-eating, fire-starting, pillaging savages hell-bent on decimating Hong Kong’s harmonious society whilst crushing all hope for the future.

Urging Hong Kongers to act “in accordance with the relevant passages of the Basic Law“, Leung warned that the apocalypse could have a long-term effect on the local stock market and property values. The End of Times may also cause traffic disruption and damage Hong Kong’s reputation abroad.

‘NEWS’ – HK Gov’t to Adapt Tsim Sha Tsui to Mainland Tourist Influx 5

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung announced this morning that key areas of Tsim Sha Tsui will be redeveloped to cope with the influx of mainland tourists. A government spokesperson said that modifications began overnight as rows of portable ’emergency use’ toilets were installed along Hankow Road…

Amidst rising tensions with local residents, the MTR Corporation responded to popular demand and announced that it will introduce ‘loud carriages’ on key lines…

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Nominated stations will also feature a ‘Time Out Chair’ for both overly-rambunctious tourists and intolerant locals who heckle them…

‘NEWS’ – Hong Kong Announces Bid for 2022 Winter Olympics Amidst Cold Snap 3

More from the Sub-StandardBreaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong leader CY Leung has announced that the city will make a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympic Games. At a press conference this morning, he told reporters, “Wanchai is colder than Sochi right now and we’ve got money to burn so fuck it – we’ll apply.

Developers around the city are already bidding to transform Hong Kong’s infrastructure as the sub-tropical city competes against bids from Poland, Norway, Ukraine and Beijing. Tourism chief James Tien Pei-chu expects to attract up to 10 million extra visitors during the games, claiming that residents are “pleading to welcome more tourists.”

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Construction companies have been invited to submit proposals to redevelop the Peak Tram as a year-round ski slope…

‘NEWS’ – Philippines Demands Formal Apology & Compensation From Beijing 13

eycwfAr.png (258×73)Breaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Relatives of Rizalina Bunyi, a Filipino killed in Monday’s ‘terror attack’ at Tiananmen Square, have demanded an official apology and compensation from Beijing. Protesters in Manila also called for a full apology from Premier Xi Jinping whilst insisting their own government ‘send Chinese workers home’.

Angry protests in Manila this week...

Communist Party officials responded today stating that the incident was isolated and instigated by lone wolves. Acting Beijing Mayor, Wang Anshun, maintained that the threats of economic sanctions amounted to ‘bullying’ and that “it would be unusual, inappropriate and absurd for the Chinese Premier to kowtow to the Filipino people over a freak episode.”

Philippines president, Benigno Aquino, hoisted a ‘black travel alert’ advising citizens to avoid all parts of China. “Our people will never forget October 28th, 2013. China’s government must tell the truth and take responsibility for the security lapse and professional failures of the Honour Guards,” he told reporters.

‘NEWS’ – Robotic CY Leung Recharge Pod Sessions to Increase 5

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following Hong Kong’s annual pro-democracy protests, Chinese premier Xi Xinping has announced that HK Chief Executive CY Leung’s weekly ‘alcove regeneration sessions’ will now be take place daily. Previously, Leung had received direct instructions from Beijing every Friday evening during hour-long ‘download’ stints in his CCP recharge pod. After each download is complete, Leung is able to retake human form and pander to the mainland for another 7 days…

Leung directly connected to the CCP by fibre-optic cables last week, via SCMP

‘NEWS’ – Eddie Snowden ‘Dreadful to Live With’ says Relieved Safehouse Flatmate 8

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: A local who offered secure accommodation to US whistleblower Edward Snowden expressed relief at his departure from the territory yesterday. “Eddie had been in our maid room for 3 weeks, I don’t know if he had cabin fever or something but he was really starting to do my head in”, said Snowden’s housemate known only as Mr Chen.

Snowden made a series of revelations this month regarding a top secret US spying programme codenamed Prism. Chen advertised his spare room on Craigslist but immediately regretted shacking up with Snowden… “He rarely cleaned up, was constantly online, often blared European trance music and I think he must’ve taken the bins out, like, what? Twice?

Chen, a tax auditor residing in Western district, also resented having to respond to Snowden’s increasingly bizarre demands. “After a server at the 7/11 downstairs recognised him from his viral vid, Eddie had me bring up food and drink, porn, tons of tin foil, cat6 Ethernet cabling, Spanish phrasebooks and copious amounts of Pocky. This guy was obsessed with Pocky.”

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‘NEWS’ – CY Launches Anti-Corruption Agency to Monitor Anti-Corruption Agency 3

eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Chief Executive CY Leung has announced that a new anti-corruption agency will be formed to oversee Hong Kong’s anti-corruption agency. The ICACICAC (Independent Commission Against Corruption of the Independent Commission Against Corruption) will begin work as police probe the former-commissioner of the original ICAC for corrupt practices.

Timothy Tong is being investigated after LEGCO papers revealed that he had spent HK$154,000 on gifts to mainland officials, HK$757,921 on duty visits and – in one instance – ran a bill of HK$77,100 for two 5-star dinners at the Grand Hyatt.

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Timothy Tong: “This is awkward”, via SCMP

The new agency was originally set to be called the Corruption Liaison & Investigative Team Observing the Review of Improper
Standards. Security chief, Lai Tung-Kwok, announced last week that it would be scrapped as, “Unfortunately, we realised the acronym worked out as ‘CLITORIS’.” 

‘NEWS’ – Colgate to Relaunch Darkie ‘Racist’ Toothpaste 10

eycwfAr.png (258×73)News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Colgate-Palmolive are relaunching their Darlie brand of toothpaste next month under its original name, ‘Darkie’. A spokesperson for the company stated that “With Obama as president, we now live in a post-racial society… Besides, it is not possible for Hong Kong people to be racist, as China never had slavery.”

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We invited life-long black person and HK resident Malik DeAndre to try Darkie Whitening Toothpaste for one week. When asked whether the brand was ‘a bit racist’, he stated that Everyone’s a little bit racist, but when I use Darkie Whitening, it’s like I’m brushing away all those years of oppression and institutionalised discrimination.”