Archive for the ‘The Sub-Standard’ Category

  • ‘NEWS’ – HK Gov’t to Adapt Tsim Sha Tsui to Mainland Tourist Influx

    Date: 2014.04.01 | Category: Blog, Possibly Racist, The Sub-Standard | Response: 2

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong Chief Executive CY Leung announced this morning that key areas of Tsim Sha Tsui will be redeveloped to cope with the influx of mainland tourists. A government spokesperson said that modifications began overnight as rows of portable ’emergency use’ toilets were installed along Hankow Road…

    Amidst rising tensions with local residents, the MTR Corporation responded to popular demand and announced that it will introduce ‘loud carriages’ on key lines…

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    Nominated stations will also feature a ‘Time Out Chair’ for both overly-rambunctious tourists and intolerant locals who heckle them…

  • ‘NEWS’ – Hong Kong Announces Bid for 2022 Winter Olympics Amidst Cold Snap

    Date: 2014.02.13 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 2

    More from the Sub-StandardBreaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong leader CY Leung has announced that the city will make a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympic Games. At a press conference this morning, he told reporters, “Wanchai is colder than Sochi right now and we’ve got money to burn so fuck it – we’ll apply.

    Developers around the city are already bidding to transform Hong Kong’s infrastructure as the sub-tropical city competes against bids from Poland, Norway, Ukraine and Beijing. Tourism chief James Tien Pei-chu expects to attract up to 10 million extra visitors during the games, claiming that residents are “pleading to welcome more tourists.”

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    Construction companies have been invited to submit proposals to redevelop the Peak Tram as a year-round ski slope…

  • ‘NEWS’ – Philippines Demands Formal Apology & Compensation From Beijing

    Date: 2013.11.01 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 6

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)Breaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Relatives of Rizalina Bunyi, a Filipino killed in Monday’s ‘terror attack’ at Tiananmen Square, have demanded an official apology and compensation from Beijing. Protesters in Manila also called for a full apology from Premier Xi Jinping whilst insisting their own government ‘send Chinese workers home’.

    Angry protests in Manila this week...

    Communist Party officials responded today stating that the incident was isolated and instigated by lone wolves. Acting Beijing Mayor, Wang Anshun, maintained that the threats of economic sanctions amounted to ‘bullying’ and that “it would be unusual, inappropriate and absurd for the Chinese Premier to kowtow to the Filipino people over a freak episode.”

  • ‘NEWS’ – Robotic CY Leung Recharge Pod Sessions to Increase

    Date: 2013.07.02 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 3

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following Hong Kong’s annual pro-democracy protests, Chinese premier Xi Xinping has announced that HK Chief Executive CY Leung’s weekly ‘alcove regeneration sessions’ will now be take place daily. Previously, Leung had received direct instructions from Beijing every Friday evening during hour-long ‘download’ stints in his CCP recharge pod. After each download is complete, Leung is able to retake human form and pander to the mainland for another 7 days…

    Leung directly connected to the CCP by fibre-optic cables last week, via SCMP

  • ‘NEWS’ – Eddie Snowden ‘Dreadful to Live With’ says Relieved Safehouse Flatmate

    Date: 2013.06.24 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 4

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: A local who offered secure accommodation to US whistleblower Edward Snowden expressed relief at his departure from the territory yesterday. “Eddie had been in our maid room for 3 weeks, I don’t know if he had cabin fever or something but he was really starting to do my head in”, said Snowden’s housemate known only as Mr Chen.

    Snowden made a series of revelations this month regarding a top secret US spying programme codenamed Prism. Chen advertised his spare room on Craigslist but immediately regretted shacking up with Snowden… “He rarely cleaned up, was constantly online, often blared European trance music and I think he must’ve taken the bins out, like, what? Twice?

  • ‘NEWS’ – China Apologises Unreservedly to Tiananmen Victims; Offers Compensation

    Date: 2013.06.04 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 8

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the Communist Party, Chinese premier Xi Jinping has apologised unreservedly for his party’s brutal massacre of peaceful protesters 24 years ago today. Admitting that transparency and full accountability for the Party’s wrongdoings were long overdue, he promised to set up a 50 million renminbi ‘Tiananmen Victims Fund’ to fully compensate survivors and families of the dead. A full inquiry will be held with dozens of political prisoners – some held for over two decades – set to be released with immediate effect.

  • ‘NEWS’ – CY Launches Anti-Corruption Agency to Monitor Anti-Corruption Agency

    Date: 2013.05.31 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 3

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Chief Executive CY Leung has announced that a new anti-corruption agency will be formed to oversee Hong Kong’s anti-corruption agency. The ICACICAC (Independent Commission Against Corruption of the Independent Commission Against Corruption) will begin work as police probe the former-commissioner of the original ICAC for corrupt practices.

    Timothy Tong is being investigated after LEGCO papers revealed that he had spent HK$154,000 on gifts to mainland officials, HK$757,921 on duty visits and – in one instance – ran a bill of HK$77,100 for two 5-star dinners at the Grand Hyatt.

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    Timothy Tong: “This is awkward”, via SCMP

  • ‘NEWS’ – Colgate to Relaunch Darkie ‘Racist’ Toothpaste

    Date: 2013.05.17 | Category: Blog, Possibly Racist, The Sub-Standard | Response: 6

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Colgate-Palmolive are relaunching their Darlie brand of toothpaste next month under its original name, ‘Darkie’. A spokesperson for the company stated that “With Obama as president, we now live in a post-racial society… Besides, it is not possible for Hong Kong people to be racist, as China never had slavery.”

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    We invited life-long black person and HK resident Malik DeAndre to try Darkie Whitening Toothpaste for one week. When asked whether the brand was ‘a bit racist’, he stated that Everyone’s a little bit racist, but when I use Darkie Whitening, it’s like I’m brushing away all those years of oppression and institutionalised discrimination.”

  • ‘NEWS’ – Update: Giant Duck Finally Succumbs to Lung Cancer

    Date: 2013.05.14 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 9

    eycwfAr.png (258×73)Update from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following last week’s exclusive report on the health of the Giant Rubber Duck in Victoria Harbour, the inflatable pontoon has finally succumbed to HK’s pollution and met its grizzly demise. Caution: Hong Kongers may find the following images upsetting…

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    Paramedics were on site equipped with puncture repairs kits, however, they were unable to revive the plastic plaything. The city has declared three days of mourning…

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    via Shirwin on FB

    The bath time favourite’s final words were simply to insist that reports of his previous racist remarks were, quote,  ’over-inflated’.

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  • ‘NEWS’ – Giant Duck Contracts Lung Cancer in Harbour; has Existential Crisis.

    Date: 2013.05.08 | Category: Blog, The Sub-Standard | Response: 5

    X6cD0ya.jpg (223×89)News from The Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: After just a week sat in HK’s Victoria Harbour, the Giant Rubber Duck has been diagnosed with ‘a cute respiratory infection’. Communicating with onlookers by using one-quack-for-yes and two-quacks-for-no, the oversized static bath toy confessed that he was ‘lonely’ and regrets never having ducklings.

    Having suddenly grasped his own mortality and realised the futility of life, meaningless of existence and vastness of the universe, the orange-beaked pontoon spiralled into an existential depression earlier this week. Last night, the duck was heard cursing and muttering repeatedly, ‘Oh my God. Bathtubs are just inverted boats’…

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