Breaking ‘News’ bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the Communist Party, Chinese premier Xi Jinping has apologised unreservedly for his party’s brutal massacre of peaceful protesters 25 years ago today. Admitting that transparency and full accountability for the Party’s wrongdoings were long overdue, he promised to set up a 50 million renminbi ‘Tiananmen Victims Fund’ to fully compensate survivors and families of the dead. A full inquiry will be held with dozens of political prisoners – some held for over two decades – set to be released with immediate effect.
After a quarter of a century, Xi claimed that it was time China’s leaders faced up to the bloody history it had spent years trying to suppress and re-write. He said that it was time for reconciliation and an opportunity for the Chinese leadership to win some legitimacy and respect on the world stage. Xi vindicated the students, workers and intellectuals who filled Tiananmen Square on June 4th, 1989, declaring that their actions spurred China’s ‘economic miracle’, as it encouraged government to move away from trying to control its populace and instead focus on building an economically open and prosperous society.
Aides claimed that he was inspired by the ongoing peaceful ‘6/4’ demonstrations in Hong Kong and also looked to Myanmar, which has been rehabilitated on the world stage following a series of democratic reforms.
In response to the news, countries around the world immediately sought to normalise relations with the PRC. The US and EU pledged to lift arms embargoes that have stood since the brutal crackdown. Hong Kongers celebrated with Chinese flags in Victoria Park as the HK Alliance ended all operations having been rendered redundant stating, ‘…we have achieved our aim to no longer have to exist’.
In a follow-up press release this afternoon, Xi also announced that a memorial will be erected in Tiananmen Square to commemorate the more than 1000 people who lost their lives. As part of a new 5-year plan of social reform, China will also free Tibet, East Turkestan and Inner Mongolia, grant Hong Kong universal suffrage, hand disputed islands in the South China sea over to the Philippines and the Senkaku Islands to Japan, end claims to Taiwan, sever relations with the DPRK, lift all censorship, close black jails and labour camps, enact the rule of law and freedom of expression, the press and religion, approve gay marriage, rehabilitate the Falun Gong, ban shark fin soup, introduce full democracy and offer crash courses in etiquette to tourist groups before they go abroad.
“Imagine what else we could achieve, if we could stop being dicks for just two seconds”, Xi declared in a closing statement.
John Lennon – Imagine
Breaking news bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard (it’s satire, morons)…
- China Apologises Unreservedly to Tiananmen Victims; Offers Compensation.
- Colgate to Relaunch Racist Toothpaste ‘Darkie’.
- CY Launches Anti-Corruption Agency to Monitor Anti-Corruption Agency.
- CY Leung Warns ‘Occupy’ Protest May Trigger the Apocalypse.
- Eddie Snowden ‘Dreadful to Live With’ says Relieved Safehouse Flatmate.
- Giant Duck Contracts Lung Cancer in Harbour; has Existential Crisis.
- HK Gov’t to Adapt Tsim Sha Tsui to Mainland Tourist Influx.
- Hong Kong Announces Bid for 2022 Winter Olympics Amidst Cold Snap.
- New Harbour Crossing as Island & Kowloon To Be Linked by Cable Car.
- New Hong Kong Racial Harmony Worksheet Emerges.
- Philippines Demands Formal Apology and Compensation from Beijing.
- Robotic CY Leung Recharge Pod Sessions to Increase.
- The Standard vs. The Sub-Standard: Battle of the Logos.
- Update: Giant Duck Finally Succumbs to Lung Cancer.