News from The Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: After just a week sat in HK’s Victoria Harbour, the Giant Rubber Duck has been diagnosed with ‘a cute respiratory infection’. Communicating with onlookers by using one-quack-for-yes and two-quacks-for-no, the oversized static bath toy confessed that he was ‘lonely’ and regrets never having ducklings.
Having suddenly grasped his own mortality and realised the futility of life, meaningless of existence and vastness of the universe, the orange-beaked pontoon spiralled into an existential depression earlier this week. Last night, the duck was heard cursing and muttering repeatedly, ‘Oh my God. Bathtubs are just inverted boats’…
It is unlikely the 16.5m tall yellow sculpture will find a mate any time soon. The only comparable inflatable novelty within miles of the bath-time favourite is a large air-filled cockroach, currently residing at West Kowloon Cultural District. Reports suggest that said roach is ‘not interested’ and it denied rumours of involvement with a nearby roast pig.
The giant duck’s emotional descent was sparked after it was admitted to hospital over the weekend where it was prescribed a vast array of drugs by a local doctor. Experts agreed the illness was an inevitable consequence of being stationed in the polluted harbour for a week.
The news comes just days after the plastic plaything was forced to deny making racist remarks against mainland tourists who have hounded the floating curiosity since its arrival. In a statement at a press conference on Monday, it said, ‘I can’t possibly be racist. Some of my best friends were made in China’…
Within 24-hours of docking, the duck reportedly told frenzied onlookers to “fuck off back to the mainland!”
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