Tag Archives : satire

It’s satire, morons.

Breaking ‘News’ bullshit from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the Communist Party, Chinese premier Xi Jinping has apologised unreservedly for his party’s brutal massacre of peaceful protesters 25 years ago today. Admitting that transparency and full accountability for the Party’s wrongdoings were long overdue, he promised to set up a 50 million renminbi ‘Tiananmen Victims Fund’ to fully compensate survivors and families of the dead. A full inquiry will be held with dozens of political prisoners – some held for over two decades – set to be released with immediate effect.

After a quarter of a century, Xi claimed that it was time China’s leaders faced up to the bloody history it had spent years trying to suppress and re-write. He said that it was time for reconciliation and an opportunity for the Chinese leadership to win some legitimacy and respect on the world stage. Xi vindicated the students, workers and intellectuals who filled Tiananmen Square on June 4th, 1989, declaring that their actions spurred China’s ‘economic miracle’, as it encouraged government to move away from trying to control its populace and instead focus on building an economically open and prosperous society.

Xi stands beside a replica of the ‘Goddess of Democracy’, originally erected by Tiananmen protesters in 1989.

Breaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Hong Kong leader CY Leung has announced that the city will make a bid for the 2022 Winter Olympic Games. At a press conference this morning, he told reporters, “Wanchai is colder than Sochi right now and we’ve got money to burn so fuck it – we’ll apply.“

Developers around the city are already bidding to transform Hong Kong’s infrastructure as the sub-tropical city competes against bids from Poland, Norway, Ukraine and Beijing. Tourism chief James Tien Pei-chu expects to attract up to 10 million extra visitors during the games, claiming that residents are “pleading to welcome more tourists.”

Construction companies have been invited to submit proposals to redevelop the Peak Tram as a year-round ski slope…

Breaking ‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Relatives of Rizalina Bunyi, a Filipino killed in Monday’s ‘terror attack’ at Tiananmen Square, have demanded an official apology and compensation from Beijing. Protesters in Manila also called for a full apology from Premier Xi Jinping whilst insisting their own government ‘send Chinese workers home’.

Communist Party officials responded today stating that the incident was isolated and instigated by lone wolves. Acting Beijing Mayor, Wang Anshun, maintained that the threats of economic sanctions amounted to ‘bullying’ and that “it would be unusual, inappropriate and absurd for the Chinese Premier to kowtow to the Filipino people over a freak episode.”

Philippines president, Benigno Aquino, hoisted a ‘black travel alert’ advising citizens to avoid all parts of China. “Our people will never forget October 28th, 2013. China’s government must tell the truth and take responsibility for the security lapse and professional failures of the Honour Guards,” he told reporters.

‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following Hong Kong’s annual pro-democracy protests, Chinese premier Xi Xinping has announced that HK Chief Executive CY Leung’s weekly ‘alcove regeneration sessions’ will now be take place daily. Previously, Leung had received direct instructions from Beijing every Friday evening during hour-long ‘download’ stints in his CCP recharge pod. After each download is complete, Leung is able to retake human form and pander to the mainland for another 7 days…

Leung directly connected to the CCP by fibre-optic cables last week, via SCMP

‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: A local who offered secure accommodation to US whistleblower Edward Snowden expressed relief at his departure from the territory yesterday. “Eddie had been in our maid room for 3 weeks, I don’t know if he had cabin fever or something but he was really starting to do my head in”, said Snowden’s housemate known only as Mr Chen.

Snowden made a series of revelations this month regarding a top secret US spying programme codenamed Prism. Chen advertised his spare room on Craigslist but immediately regretted shacking up with Snowden… “He rarely cleaned up, was constantly online, often blared European trance music and I think he must’ve taken the bins out, like, what? Twice?”

Chen, a tax auditor residing in Western district, also resented having to respond to Snowden’s increasingly bizarre demands. “After a server at the 7/11 downstairs recognised him from his viral vid, Eddie had me bring up food and drink, porn, tons of tin foil, cat6 Ethernet cabling, Spanish phrasebooks and copious amounts of Pocky. This guy was obsessed with Pocky.”

‘News’ from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Chief Executive CY Leung has announced that a new anti-corruption agency will be formed to oversee Hong Kong’s anti-corruption agency. The ICACICAC (Independent Commission Against Corruption of the Independent Commission Against Corruption) will begin work as police probe the former-commissioner of the original ICAC for corrupt practices.

Timothy Tong is being investigated after LEGCO papers revealed that he had spent HK$154,000 on gifts to mainland officials, HK$757,921 on duty visits and – in one instance – ran a bill of HK$77,100 for two 5-star dinners at the Grand Hyatt.

Timothy Tong: “This is awkward”, via SCMP

The new agency was originally set to be called the Corruption Liaison & Investigative Team Observing the Review of Improper
Standards. Security chief, Lai Tung-Kwok, announced last week that it would be scrapped as, “Unfortunately, we realised the acronym worked out as ‘CLITORIS’.” 

Update from the Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: Following last week’s exclusive report on the health of the Giant Rubber Duck in Victoria Harbour, the inflatable pontoon has finally succumbed to HK’s pollution and met its grizzly demise. Caution: Hong Kongers may find the following images upsetting…

Paramedics were on site equipped with puncture repairs kits, however, they were unable to revive the plastic plaything. The city has declared three days of mourning…

News from The Hong Wrong Sub-Standard: After just a week sat in HK’s Victoria Harbour, the Giant Rubber Duck has been diagnosed with ‘a cute respiratory infection’. Communicating with onlookers by using one-quack-for-yes and two-quacks-for-no, the oversized static bath toy confessed that he was ‘lonely’ and regrets never having ducklings.

Having suddenly grasped his own mortality and realised the futility of life, meaningless of existence and vastness of the universe, the orange-beaked pontoon spiralled into an existential depression earlier this week. Last night, the duck was heard cursing and muttering repeatedly, ‘Oh my God. Bathtubs are just inverted boats’…

En route back from hospital this morning. via ‘WilliamBanzai7/Colonel Flick’ on Flickr

It is unlikely the 16.5m tall yellow sculpture will find a mate any time soon. The only comparable inflatable novelty within miles of the bath-time favourite is a large air-filled cockroach, currently residing at West Kowloon Cultural District. Reports suggest that said roach is ‘not interested’ and it denied rumours of involvement with a nearby roast pig.